Would You Put an E-Collar on a Toddler? Rethinking Dog Training and Leadership

Rethinking Leadership, Expectations, and Tools

Most people don’t realize this — or maybe they’ve heard it in passing, but never really let it sink in — but dogs are developmentally similar to 2- to 3-year-old children. Not just emotionally. Not just socially. Cognitively.

In fact, studies back this up.

🔬 A 2009 study by Dr. Stanley Coren, a canine intelligence researcher and professor of psychology, found that the average dog can learn 165 words, count up to four or five, and perform basic arithmetic — placing them on par with a 2–2.5-year-old child.

🔬 A 2019 study published in Cell Systems from researchers at UC San Diego used epigenetic markers to compare aging in dogs and humans. While it focused on biological aging, the early stages of canine development also mirrored the rapid growth and learning seen in young children.

So yes — your dog may be fully grown in size, but emotionally and mentally, they are still navigating the world like a toddler.

They need guidance.

They need structure.

They need love.

And just like we wouldn’t use harsh tools like an E-Collar on a two-year-old child learning how to navigate the world, we should question whether those same tools are appropriate for dogs still in the earliest stages of emotional development.

Just like any child trying to figure out how the world works, dogs need patient leadership — not punishment in disguise.

Our dogs are more like toddlers than we think — full of love, curiosity, and the need for gentle guidance.

🐶💬 Let’s Talk About the Parallels

Training your dog is a lot like raising a young child. Think about it:

• Potty training requires patience, praise, routine, and understanding that accidents are part of the process — not a reason to punish.

• Teaching boundaries isn’t about yelling — it’s about consistency and clarity. Toddlers don’t magically know not to touch the stove. Dogs don’t magically know not to jump or chew or pull.

• Teaching communication means learning their signals, their cues, and helping them express themselves in ways that work.

• Teaching manners is a long game. One that includes celebrating small wins, redirecting gently, and recognizing what’s developmentally realistic.

• Teaching language is all about repetition, tone, body cues, and encouragement. Your dog might learn 100+ words — but like a toddler, it’ll take time.

• Teaching through consistency and repetition is essential. Toddlers — and dogs — don’t learn by hearing something once. They learn by experiencing it over and over, with loving guidance.

  
  

And just like toddlers, dogs:

• Can get overwhelmed easily — especially in new environments or chaotic situations

• Thrive on routine and predictability

• Learn best through play, interaction, and repetition

• Need a safe, calm space where they’re allowed to make mistakes without fear

• Communicate through body language, tone, and emotion — not complex speech

  
  

So when we talk about “training,” we’re not talking about control. We’re talking about leadership — the kind that fosters trust, growth, and confidence.

Because the real question isn’t,

“How do I make my dog listen?”

The real question is,

🧡 “How do I lead my dog toward becoming the best version of themselves?”

🧡 “How do I create an environment where learning feels safe?”

🧡 “How do I become the calm, confident guide they’re longing to follow?”

Our dogs, like our children, are shaped by our presence. They don’t need to be dominated. They don’t need to be “put in their place.” They need us to be patient. They need us to be steady. They need us to be kind.

Because confidence grows when someone believes in you. Safety is built through consistency and compassion. And the deepest learning — the kind that sticks — happens when the learner feels secure enough to make mistakes along the way.

So before we move into training tools and tactics, let’s begin here: With a shift in perspective. With a shift in heart. With the understanding that we’re not raising a robot. We’re raising a soul.

The way we were raised shapes how we lead — but we have the power to do it differently for the next generation.

🧭 Parenting Styles & the Leaders We Become

Dogs need leadership — but leadership doesn’t mean control. It means guidance. Support. Safety. It’s the same kind of leadership children need. The kind many of us longed for — and some of us never received.

Developmental psychologists have identified four core parenting styles, and while they’re typically used to describe how we raise kids, they map surprisingly well onto how we raise dogs. But here’s the thing no one likes to talk about:

Most of us were not raised by authoritative, balanced leaders. Many of us grew up in authoritarian households — where fear was mistaken for respect. Some of us had permissive parents who meant well, but didn’t know how to give us structure. Others were neglected — emotionally, physically, or both.

And a lot of us, especially those who have had to heal from childhood trauma, find ourselves defending it:

“It made me stronger.”

“I learned to toughen up.”

“I turned out fine.”

But what if “fine” just means functioning while carrying invisible wounds? What if “toughening up” was your nervous system going into survival mode?What if strength came from healing, not from what hurt you?

It’s okay to look at what shaped you and say,

“That shouldn’t have happened. I deserved better. And now, I get to do better — for the next soul I lead.”

Whether that soul is your child… or your dog.

Leadership isn’t about control — it’s about teaching with patience, consistency, and trust.

🧠 The Four Parenting Styles — and What They Teach Our Dogs

1️⃣ Authoritative — The Calm, Confident Guide

High warmth + high structure

This is the ideal.It’s the parent (or dog guardian) who creates consistent routines, sets clear boundaries, and meets mistakes with empathy. They lead with love, not fear. They don’t expect perfection — they create safety for growth.

• Children raised this way tend to feel secure, capable, and connected.

• Dogs led this way tend to be calm, trusting, and well-adjusted — not because they’ve been “controlled,” but because they’ve been understood.

  
  

This is leadership worth following.

2️⃣ Authoritarian — The Enforcer

Low warmth + high structure

This is the “because I said so” parent. The one who demands obedience, uses fear or shame as a motivator, and confuses compliance with respect. And it’s the same mindset many people bring into dog training — using tools and techniques designed to suppress behavior rather than understand it.

Yes, it “works.” But let’s be honest — it is fear. Fear gets short-term results. It stops behavior. But it doesn’t teach. It doesn’t build trust. And it comes with consequences: anxiety, avoidance, shutdown, or explosion.

You might know an adult who was raised in an authoritarian household — the kind where emotions weren’t allowed, mistakes were punished, and love had to be earned. Maybe they “turned out fine.”

Or maybe they’re the one who bottles everything up… until one day, they explode over something small.Because all that pressure — all that perfectionism — had nowhere to go.

Dogs can react the same way. They may suppress their discomfort for a while… until it boils over. And what looks like “sudden aggression” is often a result of fear, stress, and unresolved emotion that was never safely expressed.

3️⃣ Permissive — The Over-Accommodator

High warmth + low structure

These are the parents who say yes to everything, not because they don’t care, but because they don’t know how to say no. They love deeply, but fear conflict. Boundaries feel mean. Correction feels too hard. They want peace — at any cost.

The result? Children raised this way often struggle to regulate themselves. They crave guidance but don’t know where the edges are.Dogs raised this way often become anxious, clingy, or pushy — not because they’re bad, but because they feel ungrounded.

Love without limits doesn’t create safety — it creates confusion. And both children and dogs thrive when love is paired with leadership.

4️⃣ Neglectful — The Disconnected Guardian

Low warmth + low structure

This one hurts to name. It’s the parent who is emotionally unavailable, overwhelmed, or checked out. Sometimes intentionally. Sometimes because they were never shown how to do better.

The result is deep. Children raised this way often become hyper-independent or desperate for attention. Dogs raised this way can develop fear-based behaviors, reactivity, or total shutdown.When no one’s paying attention, the soul learns to protect itself.

And for many of us who grew up this way — it wasn’t our fault, but it is our work to heal. So we don’t unintentionally pass it on.

Freedom doesn’t mean letting go — it means creating safety while they explore the world, one step at a time.

🧰 Would You Use These Tools on a Toddler?

If we’ve accepted that dogs have the emotional and cognitive development of a 2–3-year-old child, then it’s time we ask some hard, honest questions.

Because once you see your dog as a toddler in a fur coat, it becomes harder to justify the tools we’ve normalized in training.

Let’s break it down.

⛓️ Choke Chain

Used on a dog who’s learning to walk politely on leash. They get excited. They pull ahead. They don’t know better — they’re just curious, overstimulated, and learning.

Now imagine putting a chain around a toddler’s neck, and yanking it every time they ran toward the playground or pulled away in excitement. Would we call that training? Or abuse?

🪡 Prong Collar

Often used on dogs who jump, bark, or lunge out of fear or overstimulation. It’s supposed to “correct” them when they react.

Now imagine putting metal spikes around a toddler’s neck every time they got startled by a loud noise or a stranger, and pulling when they cried or clung to you.Would that help them feel safe? Or would it break their spirit?

⚡️ E-Collar (Shock/Static Collar)

Used when dogs don’t come when called. Or bark. Or ignore cues.

Imagine your 2-year-old running off in a moment of distraction. They’re learning. Testing boundaries. Exploring the world. Would you strap an electric device to their body and shock them for not coming back fast enough? For yelling in the grocery store? For not sitting when told?

✅ What Would You Use on a Toddler?

Let’s look at tools we do accept for our toddlers — the ones that keep them safe, support learning, and allow freedom within structure:

• 🧸 Baby Gates = Dog GatesThese aren’t about control. They’re about keeping little ones out of danger while giving them space to explore safely.

  
  

• 🛏️ Crib or Playpen = CrateWhen used properly, crates are like cribs — a cozy, calm place for rest and routine. They’re not a punishment zone. They’re a place of security.

  
  

• 🎒 Toddler Harness & Leash = Dog Harness & LeashThese tools give toddlers the ability to explore the world while staying safe. The same goes for dogs. A harness and leash offer protection without pain — and they allow for safe, supervised independence.

  
  

These tools aren’t about power or punishment. They’re about setting dogs (and kids) up for success in a world that’s big, confusing, and often overwhelming.

They support growth, They support safety, They support connection.

Some tools aren’t about control — they’re about safety, structure, and helping everyone feel secure.

🧡 So What Do We Do Instead?

If your dog is developmentally like a toddler… If harsh tools don’t build trust… If fear doesn’t equal learning…

Then what’s left?

A lot, actually.

✅ We build relationships

✅ We teach through consistency and repetition

✅ We create safe spaces to learn and grow

✅ We meet big emotions with calm presence, not control

✅ We see behavior as communication, not defiance

✅ We lead with patience, clarity, and love

You’re not just training a dog. You’re raising a being. You’re shaping their sense of safety in the world. And the beautiful part?

You get to decide what kind of leader you’ll be.

You don’t have to get it perfect. You just have to be willing to learn, to reflect, and to grow. Just like your dog.

Let go of the need to “make them listen.” And lean into the chance to help them thrive.

Because when you lead with love, they’ll follow you anywhere.